Archive

Archive for December, 2004

Merry Christmas

December 24th, 2004
:: Currently listening to: Montgomery Gentry – Merry Christmas from the Family ::

Just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Hope you get what you want! In the meantime here are the lyrics to one of my favorite Christmas tunes

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The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 23rd, 2004
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The Twelve Days of Christmas

December 14th


Dearest John:


I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I
couldn’t have been more surprised.


With dearest love and
affection,


Agnes


December 15th


Dearest John:


Today the postman brought your
very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I’m just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.


All my love,


Agnes


December 16th


Dear John:


Oh, aren’t you the extravagant
one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist…. you’re just too kind.


Love,


Agnes


December 17th


Dear John:


Today the postman delivered
four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough
is enough? You’re being too romantic.


Affectionately,


Agnes


December 18th


Dearest John:


What a surprise! Today the
postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were
beginning to get on my nerves.


All my love,


Agnes


December 19th


Dear John:


When I opened the door there
were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds
again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!


Cordially,


Agnes


December 20th


John:


What’s with you and those
birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There’s bird crap all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t
sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY. So stop with the birds.


Sincerely,


Agnes


December 21st


OK Buster:


I think I prefer the birds.
What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with
all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows.
There is cow poop all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay
off me. SMART-ASS!


Ag


December 22nd


Hey Butthead:


What are you? Some kind of
sadist? Now there’s nine pipers piping. And man do they pipe. They haven’t
stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What
am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.


You’ll get yours,


Ag


December 23rd


You Rotten Dick:


Now there’s ten ladies dancing
- I don’t know why I call those women ladies. They’ve been with those nine
pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My
living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sic’ing the police
on you. They know where you are.


One who means it,


Ag


December 24th


Listen, Doormat:


What’s with the eleven lords
a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will
never walk again.


Those pipers ran through the
maids and are now after the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.


Your sworn enemy,


Miss Agnes McCallister


December 25th


From the law offices of Taeker,
Spredar, and Bangar:


This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at
Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.


Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar


Attorneys at Law

wyldrob G Jokes

Our Unstable LAN

December 22nd, 2004
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OUR UNSTABLE LAN
An original ditty by Patrick Kingsley
(To the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)
Phone bells ring,
Are you listening?
In IT,
Neck hair’s bristling,
A server just died,
We’ll be working through the night,
Trying to keep up our unstable LAN.
Print server spazzed,
It’s horrific,
A million pages,
of hieroglyphics,
A proposal’s due at 8,
Looks like we’ll be working late,
Trying to keep up our unstable LAN.
User downloads pornos on the internet,
Gets a virus, brings our servers down,
We’ll ask if he’s the culprit, he’ll say, “No, man!,
So you guys must have broke it; fix it now!”.
Error logs,
Looking dire,
Our mail server,
Just caught fire,
Got paged at 1 a.m.,
Time to head back in again,
Trying to keep up our unstable LAN.
User emails 10-meg file attachments,
Our network quickly slows down to a crawl,
Four thousand users working for our company,
And she sent “dancing babies” to them all,
When it snows,
We’re all chilling,
All IT’s,
Gone snowmobiling,
The backbone’s gone away,
LET THEM USE PAPER AND PEN TODAY!,
“To Hell,” we say, “with our unstable LAN!”
Repeat to fade:
“To Hell,” we say, “with our unstable LAN!”
“To Hell,” we say, “with our unstable LAN!”….

wyldrob G Jokes

A few weeks before Christmas,

December 22nd, 2004
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A few weeks before Christmas, a man asked his son what he wanted from Santa. “I don’t care, Dad, just as long as he doesn’t bring me a bike!” The man was taken aback. “Oh, it’s okay, son. I bet Santa would bring you a bike if you asked really nicely.” The boy looked around furtively. “Nah, Dad, I don’t need him. I found a bike hidden out in the garage last night!”

wyldrob G Jokes

Ebonics Ten Commandments

December 17th, 2004
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Ebonics Ten Commandments
1. I be God. Don’ be dissing me.
2. Don’ be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don’ be callin me for no reason – homey don’ play that.
4. Y’all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don’ dis ya mama … an if ya know who ya daddy is, don’ dis him neither.
6. Don’ ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don’ be liftin no goods.
9. Don’ be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don’ be eyein’ ya homie’s crib, ride, or nothin like dat.

wyldrob G Jokes

LETTERS TO SANTA If Santa

December 16th, 2004
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LETTERS TO SANTA If Santa answered his mail honestly…

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell! -Santa-
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa-
Dear Santa, I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. -Santa-
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. -Santa-
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. -Santa-
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. -Santa-
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.I’m skipping your house. -Santa-
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Dear Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but it doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again. -Santa-
Dearest Santa, We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into home? Love, Marky Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky” that’s why you’re getting your ass kicked at school. Second you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, – Santa-

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Amanpreet had given Judi one

December 15th, 2004
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Amanpreet had given Judi one of those new fangled electric coffee makers for an anniversary present. Within a week she was taking it back to the store.
The lady at the return counter asked her if it worked.
“Oh sure, it makes a great cup of coffee. Just like the booklet said, I plug it in, set the timer, go on to bed, and, when I get up, the coffee’s ready!”
“So, ma’am, what’s wrong with it?”
“I don’t want to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee.”

wyldrob G Jokes

Santa Claus, like all pilots,

December 14th, 2004
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride.
Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.
“What’s that for?” asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

wyldrob PG-13 Jokes

My husband and I were

December 14th, 2004
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My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called “Better Than Sex Cake.”
After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, “I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert.”

wyldrob PG-13 Jokes

A Letter to Santa (from

December 14th, 2004
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A Letter to Santa (from Little Johnny)

Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighborhood who behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors. I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch? That you’d taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree?
As if you hadn’t fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many fucking toys, that he can’t even walk into his damn house! Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I’ll fuck you up! I’ll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you’ll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn’t get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you’ll find out how bad I can really fucking be!
So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!
Sincerely,
Johnny

Santa’s Response To Little Johnny’s After Christmas Letter (by Lee Bradley)

Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live you little shit! You can’t talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don’t like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way, then you can just cram it up your little ass! As for the whistle you didn’t care for – I got your whistle right here!!! Come blow on this! And the socks…well, I figured you are big enough to be whacking off, and those socks would have come in handy and been handy to … well, even you should get the picture!
And… that little “faggot” across the street, you’ll be happy to know that he’s already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU’re the fag – always
moanin’ and whinin’.
Don’t worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house next year, ’cause I ain’t coming down your chimney ever again. If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick them up, ’cause that’s about all you’re going to get for Christmas. Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you’ll be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I’ll show you who’s bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa

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