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Archive for November, 2004

Spongebob Abducted!

November 30th, 2004

On Nov. 18 the Little Falls Police Department responded to a call that a large SpongeBob was missing from the top of the Burger King Restaurant. In place of SpongeBob was a ransom note stating in part, “We have SpongeBob. Give us 10 crabby patties, fries and milk shakes,” signed Plankton. The note also warned “Patrick is next.”
According to members of the Little Falls Police Department, “Plankton always wants the recipe for crabby patties and he is unable to attain it. Patrick is SpongeBob’s sidekick.”

wyldrob Weird News

Four men were bragging about

November 29th, 2004
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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, “T-square, do your stuff!”. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff!”. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff!”. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your dog do?”. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s compensation and went home on sick leave.

wyldrob PG Jokes

Playing with Locks

November 29th, 2004

From the 7-23-04 Police Reports column of the New London, Wis., Press-Star: “1:15 p.m., a juvenile approached an officer at [Hortonville Police Department] complaining about having a lock stuck around his right testicle for three days and he didn’t know how to get it off. [The officer found a master key.] “Having the master key in hand, the juvenile left the room for a moment and returned with the lock. The officer spoke to the juvenile about experimenting with sexuality and how he needs to be more careful in the future.”

wyldrob Weird News

Copy Shop Robber

November 29th, 2004

Paul Michael Callahan, 32, was arrested in Boston in August after, according to police, a short career as a bank robber, which started badly when Callahan tried to hold up the copy shop at Boston University, believing it was a bank. (The clerk asked, “Do you know you’re in a copy store and all we can give you is copies?”)
Callahan fled but allegedly robbed a Fleet Bank branch a few minutes later (getting less than $200) and then a Citizen’s Bank branch, clearing about $2,500. However, the red-dye pack from Citizen’s exploded, distracting him, and then his getaway car got a flat tire, and police found him hiding in a gas station.

wyldrob Dumb Crooks

Paid to Flirt

November 26th, 2004

A British woman says she gets paid $50 an hour to flirt with boyfriends and husbands to make their spouses jealous.
Reshelf Bialy claims “It is a simple idea and it works like a dream. It’s a service for any husband or boyfriend who feels his partner has stopped paying him enough attention.”
“He tells me where he will be with his wife or girl at a certain time and then I turn up and flirt with him out- rageously.”
“The unsuspecting spouse has no idea what is going on. More often than not she is overwhelmed by the sight of her man winning the attention of another women. It’s amazing what a bit of jealousy can do for a relationship that has hit the rocks.”

wyldrob Weird News

Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but REally Aren’t

November 25th, 2004
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* Talk about a huge breast!
* Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
* Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
* Are you ready for seconds yet?
* It’s cool whip time!
* If I don’t undo my pants, I will burst
* I’m in the mood for a little dark meat
* It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
* Just wait your turn, you’ll get some
* Don’t play with your meat
* Spread the legs open and shove it in
* I didn’t expect everyone to come at once
* You still have a little bit on your chin
* Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it
* How long will it take after you put it in?
* You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up
* Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
* How many are coming?
* That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen
* Just lay back and take it easy, I’ll do the rest
* How long do I beat it before it’s ready?

wyldrob Adult Jokes

Thanksgiving Poem

November 25th, 2004
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Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned – the Dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and Gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees…
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ‘ n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

wyldrob G Jokes

Sliding Door Baffles Burglars

November 25th, 2004

SYDNEY, Australia – It didn’t take much to scare off this group of robbers. Three men decided to enter a restaurant by kicking down the door, unaware that it was in fact an unlocked sliding door. Twenty of the restaurant’s customers watched the three men put on this ridiculous display.
According to Acting Senior Sergeant John Klepzcarek, “Because it wouldn’t open, he started kicking it. One of the other men tried to push the sliding door and after a number of attempts all three men have run off.”

wyldrob Dumb Crooks

Speed Trap

November 25th, 2004

ALBANY, Ore. – The time has come once again for citizens to take the law into their own hands. Rick Pyburn was sick and tired of speeders driving through his neighborhood. He decided to create a decoy to put the brakes on the local leadfoots. He built and painted a plywood police cruiser and stuck it in some bushes near his home. The decoy worked so well that Pyburn plans to market his creation for urban and rural areas.
The Benton County Sheriff’s Office wasn’t upset, but say they would like more deputies on duty so residents won’t have to go to such lengths.

wyldrob Weird News

Don’t Mess With Grandma

November 25th, 2004

LYNNWOOD, Wash. – One granny did more than her civic duty by grabbing a handcuffed man who was trying to escape from police and held onto him until Officer Anne Codiga tackled him. “I get pushed and shoved a little sometimes at the mall, but nothing like this,” said 60-year-old Janice Lewis.
When she saw the man trying to flee, she grabbed his jacket and didn’t let go. She broke a finger and bruised her hand in the scuffle. The chase began at a credit union where police had arrested and handcuffed the man for trying to use an account that wasn’t his. Lewis saw the man running from police near the credit union, but thought officers had caught him. So she was shocked to see him suddenly running toward her from the parking garage.

wyldrob Weird News