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All Aboard!

May 13th, 2010

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

wyldrob R Jokes

For the Faucet…

February 15th, 2008
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Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked “How much for that faucet?’”
Walt replied, “That’s pewter and it costs $300.’”
“My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?’”
Mary replied, “No, but I will for the faucet.’”
This is why you can’t send a woman to Home Depot .

wyldrob R Jokes

First Time

February 2nd, 2008
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

wyldrob R Jokes

Christmas Golf

December 20th, 2007
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Four oldtimers were playing their weekly game of golf and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a huge diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”
Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”
Number 3 guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds !
“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game ! I woke up, slapped my wife on the ass and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf!”
Helen said, “Take a sweater ! ”

wyldrob R Jokes

Smart Pills

November 19th, 2007

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ”What is that?”
”They’re smart pills,” said the other boy. ”Eat them and they’ll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, ”These taste like shit.”
”See,” said the other boy, ”you’re getting smarter already.”

wyldrob R Jokes

A man on a construction

February 14th, 2006
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A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time. The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.
Suddenly the foreman’s cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!
At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. “Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex.”
The coroner said, “Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?”
The electrician replied, “I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, ‘Where did that cocksucker go?!?”

wyldrob R Jokes

A man went to his

February 14th, 2006
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A man went to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor told him, “Listen, you’ve got to stop masturbating.”
“Why, Doc?” the man asked, “Am I going blind?”
“No”, said the optometrist, “But you’re upsetting my other patients.”

wyldrob R Jokes

A couple had only been

January 18th, 2006
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A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen Glasses… ”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
“But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?”
and, they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story?

wyldrob R Jokes

A woman who is uncomfortable

January 11th, 2006
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A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

wyldrob R Jokes

The new Vicar was up

January 11th, 2006
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The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. “Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?”
The Vicar said, “Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking.”
The villager said, “Arr, Vicar, that’s the way to fuck ‘em!”

wyldrob R Jokes